Communicate - What?

We all know it! It's obvious to every one of us that the most important thing in any transaction, relationship, project or company is effective communication. How do I make the people around me know what I want them to know? How can we as flawed, sensitive, sometimes overly emotional beings clearly transmit the information we currently have to the person that we want to have it - in the tone that we want them to receive it?

It should be easy - right? I mean, assuming you haven't been airlifted into a country where you don't know the language and they have completely different customs, you just say what you mean, or email, or text, or gesture - and the person will have clarify of understanding. They will KNOW what you mean... but it doesn't always come out right does it?

Sometimes it does and other times I think it does. Sometimes when I tell someone something, I walk away completely confident that they get it. I stated my point clearly and concisely, with the right expression on my face and the other person nodded and smiled. I know they understood, until I start really analyzing the conversation later. Did they nod to be nice or because I'm their boss and they figure they better act like they got it? How can you know?

Usually when things are this important, they receive a lot of focus. Granted - in many marriages there is a frequent conversation that begins "we never talk" (which of course can mean a lot of different things - but I digress) That's not the focus on communication I'm talking about, although the kind I'm talking about can help in that situation as well. I'm discussing the actual craft of communicating - both giving and receiving.

Our organization works with a company that provides seminars on communication called "etc strategies". They do a fantastic job of teaching verbal communication skills that are action ready when you walk out after a 3 hour seminar and I highly recommend them. I'm not going to steal their thunder today, but I would like to give a few suggestions that I've found useful through the years.

1) If it's important, say it 3 times in 3 different ways. One of the most frustrating things I've ever done was try to help my daughters with their math homework when they were young. My wife claims that I am a "good teacher" and truthfully, I pride myself on being able to bring a concept to life through stories or examples. The problem I had with my daughters was that by the time I got through the first example - they would say "that's not the way my teacher does it" and I would say, "That's okay, I'm showing you how to visualize the concept, so the method he teaches will make more sense to you." And they would start crying...Crying! I would find myself sounding like Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own when he said "Are you crying? There's no crying in baseball!"

Me, "THERE"S NO CRYING IN MATH"

Daughter "But I'm going to get in trouble if I don't do it right"

So - I would try another way to look at the same concept, and then a third. The great thing was that if I could get through the third example, they always really knew the concept...in spite of the tears.

This applies to anything - tell it three time in three different ways and people will remember.

2) Tone is important. Some of us have loud voices and a stern countenance. It's not because we're boisterous and angry, we're just naturally a few decibels up and don't go around smiling like an idiot all the time. That said, we have to be cognizant of how we tend to come across. We need to make sure that we don't sound like we're yelling at someone nor when we try to get softer/nicer like we're talking down to people. Other folks tend to sound too sweet all the time and don't get taken seriously. Being aware of your tone and facial expressions is critical to effective communication.

3) Proper Eye Contact. This is something that takes some thought and potentially practice, but the right amount of eye contact will put you in the best position to get your point across. It is important that you look people in the eye when you're speaking with them, but you don't want to glare at them. Staring at someone's eyes too long either makes them uncomfortable or challenges them to stare back at you. Neither of these is conducive to making them really hear and understand. They're too busy trying to figure out whether or not to stare back. The flip side is also true. IF you won't look someone directly in the eye periodically, most people will take that as a sign of untrustworthiness. Either they think you're not confident of what you're saying or perhaps even lying. Looking folks periodically in the eye is the best bet to make them feel comfortable and trusting.

We've really focused on verbal and personal communication here and there are so many areas in that we can all improve upon, but I want to leave you with a particular challenge. Make an effort for a full day to really listen to everyone you communicate with. Stop what you're doing and look at them and hear them. Focus! Try this and see what kind of difference it makes in people listening to you. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care, and the easiest way to show people you care about their opinion is to listen to them. Make comments about what they're saying and ask questions for clarification. If this isn't something you already do, you'll be amazed at the response you get.

Thanks for reading and have a Blessed Day!